-Amelioration-

To me, photography is an art of observation. it's about finding something interesting in an ordinary place... i've found it has little to do with the things you see and everything to do with the way you see them.

i feel a lil better today..
but i am still kinda stoned and yet i am a lil sluggish..
it seems hard for my mind to digest any information i perceive..
i woke up kinda late today and i went to coffee bean with mark..
i went through the revision questions with all my might and main, and yet it was useless..
i'm slow pacing in time and incapable of it..
my tears were soaking de papers.. and yet, i am still helpless..
i went down for a break and i met Kev..

i sat down and we had a conversation.. and it lasted for hours..
we were talkin bout life, people, interest and etc..
i'm thankful fer de heartening and encouraging words..
i'm thankful fer seeing de good in me, which is resided in my soul..
i'm still amending all de 'ties' in my life, and yet i am always wat i am..
life affords no higher pressure than that of surmounting difficulties, passing on one step of success to another, forming new wishes and seeing them gratified..

oh yea, thanks to Za for encouraging me..
nevertheless, you also Mark..

-The Aurora-

it's beautiful, captivating and bewitching at de same time..
an optimist is a person who sees only de lights in de picture, whereas a pessimist sees only de shadows..
an idealist, however, is one who sees de light n the shadows, but in addition sees something else which is the possibility of changing the picture, of making de lights prevail over the shadows..

i wish dat i can have a smile where angels envy..

and a love where cupid covet..
i hope dat my inner light will shine one day, enlivening de dimness around me..

-Temperamental-

i am still sick..
i am pretty worried bout de up coming paper..
i was admitted to T.D.M.C due to high fever (39.6 d.C), and i was given a jab.. it wasn't painful just dat i don't like it.. the settings n dat place reminded me of grandma..she was there before..when she was still alive..
i recall...i remember..i used to be there, comforting her..allaying her tension..being a jokester, tryin to brighten up her day a lil..
i do miss her.. =)
after days of medication, finally i'm slightly better..
my eyes are still watery, running nose and cough..
it makes me frail..lotsa things i wanted to do but i cant..
for days, i've been stuffing myself with bread..and plain water...
'*finger crossed* pls, let me recover soon, a rapid recuperation pls!!, i need it badly..'

these few days, i am acting kinda nonchalant..
i'm acting kinda cool, seeming to be unconcerned bout de things around me.. maybe my body is failin me frm doing so..
i am being forced to drink de rhinoHORN water...
oh fever, it seems dat we've created a bond between us.. i ain't a lodging spot for u.. so pls be kind to me..
i wish dat he's here, but yet i dont want to..
coz i dont wanna be a burden fer him..
well, i do miss him alot..

my senses is wearing thin n my mind is kinda blank..
i need to rest again..
all de best fer me then...

-the little things-

i dunno why but i just love de phrase 'Coat it Lily-White'..
it seems to be something significant to me.. reminded me of a sang-froid milieu, perhaps the feeling of free from agitation.. de feelin of emptiness creeps in..
well, i am kinda ill now..
i'm havin a bad throat infection, running-nose, dry cough, fever, food poisonin, stomach ache and breath difficulty now.. hopefully, i will recover soon enuff.. exam is on next wednesday..gotta buckle up a.s.a.p.

i am getting a lil slothful nowadays, guess i'm officially a bum now..
well, noting myself a check list ere :

• i went to Genting again with him, yrag and aunt. aunt went for JC's concert. while him, yrag and me walked around.. oh yea, we went to de ice world..it was -16 d.C, i was shivering like shyt.. and i hurt my back, it aches badly..thou it was kinda icy and wintry inside, i like it alot..especially the 'fight' between me and Rag..thou he's kinda annoying, but i do like him..

• i did something kinda over de top, well for my old ones, its an exorbitant thingy dat i shudnt do without gettin their consent.. watever it is, me lyk it and panda lurves it.. me cut my hair and me dyed it.. blueblack, blondeeee n brown..

gosh, i do look sick...

• 

couple of days before, there were lotsa mishaps.. but i'm gonna endure it.. coz i aint a lil moppet anymore..
well, night is gettin weary and it's darn hard fer me to breathe now..
i need a good rest tonight..

-oyasumi-

Irrevocability of the act

life is a chance to grow a soul, and the chance is for the soul to live a life..
the cries of pain reverberated in my heart, i long to alleviate the pain YOU bear..
i wish to provide a shelter, which is robustly build..
my candle burns at both ends, and i cant last even for an hour, moreover for a day? weeks? years? for a lifetime?
the occurrence of certain consequences is like a self-destruction to my soul..

"Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life."

-Maureen Hawkins-

my dedication to YOU..

don't worry YOU, i'll take away the woe, the pain, the suffering and the sin..
the reason why, lies beneath the soul within me..

my precious YOU..
i awe within, the looks u inherit..
i awe within, the joy and relish..
i awe within, i awe within.. your existence.. your presence..
heart YOU..

-W l .NIVAG-

Here-to-fore

it's been quite sometime..
i'm kinda tightlipped..
i'm suppressed with inarticulate sorrow..
but there's something i wud like to share..heretofore bygones of TODAY..

Genting..-lights-

-Marky--de fogginess-

The structures..

• taken at Putrajaya
  

• taken at Segi College

Randomness..

• my famlay.. a random candid shot taken during Andy's big 21
  

• bowling at MV.. ( Chicken Queen, Prince Lim and Stoner )

i'm kinda scared..
clutter within, thorn within, tears gushing...

Placidity of the Pathfinder

I've been counting the days on the calendar, time do pass me by..
time cools, time clarifies.. no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. past, present, it's just all arbitrary.

Adieu 2007 & Greetings 2008!

The night before saluting 2008, it was ordinary, but i'm happy and chock-fulled of blissfulness. he was there with me thru out de whole night and dat was what matters most to me, his hereness. the day is never gratifying without his presence. de morning kudow, de osculations, smooches & pillow fighto! its like a garden of flowers that were kissed by dew.. a consummate of happiness within the soul. me heart =)
But den, my soul,
You were there, residing at de corner of despair. the forlornness of the bygones chronicles struck you. u make me proud,u mustered all de strength within u and stomp thru. Clutching the past so tightly to your chest will leaves ur arms too full to embrace the present. like what Oscar Wilde quoted, "every saint has a past and every sinner has a future". attitude n wat u are within is de impact in life. its more important than facts..more important than de past, de education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. F*** those gossip mongers. for now, i have more to worry.. need to take great care of myself. my soul within, u have an innate capability where no one else possess..so hang in thea!

-took it while i was on de way home-

The first week of 2008 is ending soon and these are de highlights of it :
On wed, i went for a drink with Sam at MV just to catch up and i am glad dat everyone is doin well. and i was thinkin and considering bout de jobs he told me bout.. hmmzz..
Well, de next day, i went to MV again to catch up with Olivia and we had a 'H2H' chat. Sorry Oli's darling fer abiding the gabfest of two loquacious 'women'.. yoda yoda*
Although now, i am confronted by lotsa perplexities, asperities, difficulties and all de ties* but i know, he's there to pull me thru.. don't worry, i'll be fine baybIES.. =)
Oh yea, i went for a movie with him and his mates. we watched The House and its also known as BAN~PEE~SINK. well, i saw this on de net.. thou there were lotsa shoddy and cheappo tricks, but this movie was based on a true story.. *gulped..
neways, i'm havin my fruit and prawn salad now.. its sucha delicacy..
Oh yea, today i went to Tai Sui temple for praying.

-since 1870 till now-

-de altars -

-de wood carvings. distinctively unique-
the architecture of de edifice are made of woods, based on ancient chinese wooden architecture. de woods are interlocked together without using any nails.

-de roof and windows-

-faggot and me camwhorin-

after praying, we went fer makan at petaling street and de food they served at de corner shop was reli nice.. and bee promised to bring me thea, ONE DAY..
after a tiring morning, he came.. he's my shepherd.. shoo shoo de bunny..
lil bunny hop back to de burrow.. =)

-oyasumi-

Mylife

Dear Santa,
Thank you for de GIFTS...

Dear 2007,
Thank you for the love and memories

Dear mylife,
You've completed me..

Dear soul,
Thank you for bearing with me
..

love,
-the pathfinder-

Magnetism of Man

Dear soul,
allow me to test my lore..
how well do i know you, Mr. English?
how well do i know you, Mr. M?

man is the highest fruit on the tree of evolution. it is for a man to realize his position in nature and understand the true meaning of his life. do know your purpose and then, you will discover for yourself. guidelines can be given, but you must create the necessary conditions for the arising of realization yourself.
man maybe clever enough to land on the moon and discover wondrous things in the universe, but has yet to delve into the inner workings of his own mind. he has yet to learn how his mind can be developed to the fullest potential so that its true nature can be realized.
as yet, man is still wrapped in ignorance. he does not know who he really is or what is expected of him. as a result, he misinterprets everything and acts on that misinterpretation.
it is not conceivable that our entire civilization is built on this misinterpretation? the failure to understand his existence leads him to assume a false identity of a bloated, self-seeking egoist, and to pretend to be what he is not or is unable to be.
man must be make an effort to overcome ignorance to arrive at realization. all great men are born as human beings from the womb, but they worked their way up to greatness. realization cannot be poured into the human heart like water into the tank.
man can be enlightened if he wakes up from the 'dream' that is created by his own ignorant mind, and becomes fully awakened. he must realize that what he is today is the result of an untold number of repetitions in thoughts and actions. he is not ready-made, he is continually process of becoming, always changing. and it is in the characteristic of change that his future lies, because it means that it is possible for him to mould his character and destiny through the choices of his actions, speech and thoughts. indeed, he becomes the thoughts and actions that he chooses to perform.

the counterbalance..

As human beings we must have an aim in life.. do we??
a person not observing a righteous way of life will neva find de aim n if he does not uphold some noble principles, he wud be jeopardize..
kononNya now, people are so materialistic..de realm of science is luring us in..no doubt dat scientists n psychologists hav widened our intellectual horizon, but dey hav not likewise been able to give us a purpose in life, which only noble principles could do..
at times, i really dont get it..why Christians love to brainwash us with their preachings..phrases frm a BOOK?.. we mortals must choose a rational and meaningful way of life based on their firm conviction n not one founded on mere mythological beliefs, traditional practices n theories..one shud not force anyone to accept any particular religious laws nor exploit his or her state of poverty, illiteracy or emotions to induce dat person to accept their beliefs..just like de older generations..their conceptions n reflections are way dissent frm me..people changed, dey metamorphosed..followin a believe blindly only abuses our intelligence n dignity. we do have rationality to distinguish between right n wrong, competent enuff to adapt to changing circumstances..therefore, pls choose a respectable way of life dat is suitable n one dat measures up to their expectations..having de rights to decide for ourselves without recourse to any form of coercion..we mortals are selfish and mean, aren't we?

Reaping wat u sow, isn't it a way of life dat satisfies humanity's most profound n lofty aspirations? yet, it is able to remove de stress n strain of everyday life, besides givin a purpose to life.it does not instil fear in us.. like de proverb, 'good begets good n bad begets bad', every action has its reaction..aren't this universal laws?
this way of life fully agrees with these fundamental laws n people hav to abide by dem and 'reap what they sow'..once again, we mortals are not flawless and impeccable. people perpetrate evil deeds out of greed, anger n ignorance..in lust and envious taken in as well? human beings r intoxicated with power, jealousy, pride n craving fer world domination..dat person who delighted in me, his soul was ripped apart by his kiasu-ness n loftiness..such weakness can only be overcome thru his self-realization..
the fortunes and misfortunes people experience in this world r not due to some external influences but de good n bad actions, words n deeds they themselves had previously committed..i am a sinful soul within..am i? grieve or pain is wat my soul shud indemnify? we are the results of wat we were, n we will be de results of wat we are..

The way of life is clear, reasonable and gives complete answers to all important questions n problems about life, endure de patience..those who hate their lives, who hate de circle of peoples surroundin them, whine bout imperfections, fucking people's life up..nothing but umbraging other soul, they're reproach to those who gave dem life..things take place for a reason, live to find the reason..all methods applied, does not divide humanity into the 'saved' n the 'lost'..as a civilized system we're in, it teaches how to tame de wild n refine de tamed..the counterbalance in mortals.. some are nurtured, some are natured.. de world is riddled with racial, political, religious, communal n ideological differences..de distinguish between human n non-human, is de mind..the all powerful force-the creator n destroyer of humankind as well as de architect of humanity's fate....at least, for your own..way of life has been an admirable beacon of light radiating on de hill for guiding de ones, those u dear heartly..dispelling de darkness of ignorance.. leading a positive life n creating happiness for oneself or others is much better than a selfish mortal of trying to satisfy one's ego n greed..

De remarkably haughty-one,

Maybe it is such a revelry for you to manipulate a mortal existence, or as a stooge i would serve as triumphant through your bygone chronicles. a sentient soul within, i am. ferocity is fearful and i take it grievously. be it whined or whines up my labyrinth, its a momentous sequel to me. sensing my vain and vexatious soul, what is your snare? a pitfall? reveal the completion of your quirky jokes and what is up ahead of the clouded peculiarity.. anxiety of the poodle? am i an instant-mockery-butcher? pardon such a tomfoolery in the soul. dawn is breaking, and the presence of moonlit is diminishing. sanction me to retreat back to my solitariness. this delicate mortal is dominant by the spellbinder ; within the stupendous field of vim, wholly and entirely possessed by the one who is oft for. condone the bewilderedness of this unrefined soul..

-peacekeeper-

i am now back to de spellbinder...
de night is still.. tranquility encompassing the protected one..
i went fer movie just now with him and watched Alien vs Predator 2. it was not bad.. some scene were provocative.. touches of gross-ness as well.. overall, it's a par rating.. his hereness is always there, fending me from those incubuses.. i will always get an intimate and profound glimpse in him.. beneath his consciousness is where i seek asylum and love..
i am glad dat i am still here..the mighty one is kind and charitable enough..
i am still fine.. =)
for years, it haven't return..hopefully, de resurrection would be done for..

lil bunny hop... back to de burrow..

Blitheness Of Soul

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to those who i dear, care and love..
new year is comin... lotsa resolutions i'm TRYING to make..
a lil recap of de bygones..

• i'm hooked up with BLEACH, and thanks to crunchyroll fer dat, coz i transmitted de malady of BLEACH-NESS to him and yrag...
• me went to pavilion fer movie. we watched National Treasure-Books of secret.. it's a par fer de movie rating.. and we're both contended with an issue bout A.J's biological father..too bad, i won!! Jon Voight is her pap!
• on Christmas Eve, i was supposed to spend my dinner with him but sucha unfortunate upshot happened to me. dad was addressing somethin to me around hood's barn again -.-.. after de yadaS, me headed on to gardens to shop for christmas pressie. me and mark went to Crystal Jade fer lunch..
• i am eagerly compliant dat i managed to get something. =) *unforgivable*

thanks saccharine for de night..de moonlit, de breeze and de stars.. and nevertheless, ur warmth..i'm always wakeful as usual.. de bed is like a bundle of paradoxes where we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret..we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late..
how do people go to sleep? i'm afraid i've lost de knack. i might try busting myself smartly over de temple with the night-light, repeatin to myself, slowly n soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound whether me can remember any of the damn things..but it's still helpless.. his presence is an excessive completion to me..nothing cures de insomnia, nothing but de cure, which is his presence..my soul resides on de peace n serenity.. wadda heck i am talkin..shyt!! ..i'm havin de word-vomit again..

well, i attended my uncle's wedding today at Royal Court.. food was a tasty morsel..de evening was great.. but i was kinda topsy-turvy when it touches de famlay issue..i had no idea who were they and how to LABEL/TAG dem.. so de best way was to SMILE..and dey will intro themselves.. i was camwhoring a lil..and i took some random pics..

a glimpse of me before (below) and after dinner (right)

enthusiasm for de passionate

Alot has been said n written bout relationships but among de many points raised, one fact alwiz stick out - dat a man n woman are very different frm each other, like strangers preached at 2 ends of a bridge, either side unwilling to move to de other..there's always a BUT..all it takes to meet in de middle is a lil understanding, openness n alot of communication.
Well, let's switch to de man's VIEW and THINKING...
never know wat a man is thinkin about beneath de veneer of peers, work and all their thingy.. i wud say these creature is secretive n keeps feelings to himself. he wants commitment but may not want to show it..just take it dat way, maybe they're not outspoken when it comes to matters of relationships. man desires intimacy but wont take de necessary steps to cross de bridge to meet de woman in de middle.. they tend to put emotions on ice, n reserves their passion fer something else.. at times, i so wanna numb-chuck these lil creature coz getting him to talk about his problems is like tryin to pry open an unripe durian!
Courtship arises.. Doest it really matters?? well, we can define it as de excitement, the chase or the mystery. Human used to say dat courtship is actually a very analytical step in every relationship..well, F dat.. coz i've missed it.. well, de key to a meaningful relationship durin courtship is intimacy and passion..and this is wat lure me to his NEST.. =)
wat i hate is dat, MEN regard this steady/serious relationship as de end of passion and settle down to being 'just comfortable'.. the phrase 'till death do us part' do seem to paint a bleak picture fer the usually commitment-phobic male.. u dulios tend to think of it as imprisonment, but its more of a bond of heart and soul. with commitment, both parties can trust one another..i do understand one thing, it takes trust to make things work, coz without it, commitment is like an annoying itch which can soon develop into an open wound if u keep scratching at it.. i've learn my lesson..
let us come to a bigger thingy now....

SEX and INTIMACY..
i think men and women have very different views bout sex.. fer a woman, sex is an intimate display of affection dat makes a relationship stronger..ok, at times it might be de H word -.-.. for de man, its a different matter altogether. it's an EXTENSION of his MACHO existence.. he considers it of utmost importance, n almost inevitably links it with his status as a man, much lyk his job.. perhaps it is even de reason fer his anxiety among his peers..
strange but true.. when he's unable to perform or live up to his partner's expectations, man can feel pressured n retreat even deeper into his CAVE.. it will even becomes taboo to talk nor mention bout his failin condition. .these creature rarely thinks bout his emotional involvement in de sexual context..
Why does he always ask, was it good for u? like it? and yada yada.. bla bla... simple, it's not just bout performance.. it's also bout de level of intimacy one feels when havin S word with his partner. well, maybe they think it's important to want to fulfill dat need n not just fuel de desire with performance.. Prove me wrong den, dulios!! they think of themselves as sex gods.. cough cough*..Men always have this ideology of being Mr.Fix-it-all..

it crushes my mind at times coz when they faced with a prob dat they cant solve, he tends to find de nearest target to blame. HIMSELF. it's when he examines every possible cause dat he will come to de conclusion dat his lack of ability is his own fault..Again, being a man, he'll always view this as a show of weakness n question his own abilities - especially SO in de sexual context..do u men feel 'macho' to boast about conquests or brag bout powerful performances in bed to other men??
Watever happens, both of us must face it.. no one is goin to build a better, shorter or more convenient bridge for us.. communicating and bonding are essentials.. if u dulios are opening up to tell us bout it, we women r not all bout whining and pain in de ass.. we will listen n b there fer u to go thru together.. but i do understand it may be harder fer some men to come out of their shell at first n it's women's role to make him feel comfortable.. dat's why, coaxing is better than coaching.. women are always complements to men..never jump to de conclusion dat because his mouth is shut, so are his feelings..givin time and patience is all i can offer to u..
learn to bear..learn to bear..
it will all be ok, when i'm in his arms..

.......................

Tonight i wanna cry - Keith Urban

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

(Chorus:)
I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

dear soul, pls stay strong with me..
pull me thru and bear with me..
goodnight to myself... *cuddle*

culmination of de kinship..

if procrastination is de thief of time, most people wud now be paupers.. we juz lurve to put off till tomorrow what we can do today. it's not our fault really, dat we tend to procrastinate.. not if ur born with the condition like me..where i'm actually in this thingy called BOP which stands for Born to Procrastinate..me as one BoPers dun get a kick out of de adrenaline rush dat comes with eleventh-hour action. as in people like me cant help it, it's in my genes dulios.. why else would we delay our glorious entry into de brave new world until the doctor's forceps or vacuum force us out frm de warmth of our mother's womb???
okay, move on...

me start to feel dat i aren't naturally endowed with brainy cells, so i have to slog of 4 exams de hard way..sigh, midterm is comin soon. .hate exams to de max..fine, let's face it.. muggin for exams is as fun as whittlin thick logs into pencils, so u cant reli blame me fer putting off revisions till de last minute.. i do wonder, askin de mighty one..why am i afflicted wid this ailment which causes me sucha immeasurable suffering.. but luckily ur fair enuff, coz in return.. u gave me de significant one..de one me heart.. =)

well, yesterday me went to laundry...
a picture of us.. yan was totally wasted, sucha irksome idiotic dumb-ASS.. i dont hate him, just stop messin around with mylife.. i'm not sure whether its de age prob or maturity a person possesses.. thanks brotha for de wonderful things u did.. de lovingness, guarding me, bearin with my shitty attitude.. thanks fer de words u told me last night..
de night started of great, but certain things hit me within..and me quaffed and tossed down liquors like my grandpa's place..to keep my mind unconstrained by those things which i fear most, which alwix creeps into my soul and just learn to breathe.. i'm always like a dying fishy, desperately graspin for air.. thou i'm not in his embrace, but i miss him 24/7.. newayz, thanks brotha..

well, back to me now.. cant help it, he's my fetish!!
at times, i do wonder wat is my dream..

we all have dreams. but in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lotsa determination, dedication, self-discipline, n exertion.. the instinct within me right now is to dig in my heels, whether i'm feelin on iffy ground but eventually, it will make things more difficult than they have to be.. well, i might not know how long i'm permitted to live.. gimme a lil more time.. there're lotsa more fer me to cherish...
yawnz, gotta go sleep early.


something for de one..

enthrallment of the arty gaze

.........
falalalala...
mmmmmm... i'm always caught within de rapture of melodious tunes... i'm bein such'an old soul.. soul-placed in de stillness of time.. i can think about something so much dat it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy..watever this issue is, it's time to explore it all de way thru, whether it's by myself or with u...

the love in dubrovnik.. =)

well, those who can't be witty exert themselves to be devout and affectionate.

de soul within..
she's not afraid, she just likes to use her night light
when she gets paid, true religion gets it all
if dey fit right...
she's a little bit manic, completely organic
doesn't panic for the most part...
she's old enough to know, and young enough not to say no
to any chance dat she gets for home plate tickets to see the band
like everybody, she's in over her head,
Dreads Feds, Grateful Dead, and doesn't take meds.
she's a vain sagittarian
thinks all men r addicted to porn
but, damn she's a complement...
her eyes, that's where hope lies
dat's where blue skies meet the sunrise
de one u want when she reach home
she got the kinda strength that every man wishes he had.
she loved Michael Jackson up until he made Bad.. grin*
tells me that she lives about a hundred lives,
scares those to death when she thinks and drives
says cowboy hats make her look fat...
she doesn't know de word 'impossible'
don't care where bout wat have been and doesn't care where we're goin' to..
and sometimes she's truly crazy
and lovin it..

mwah...
xoxo..
hmmmm, de aroma unwind..
i dont give a f*** anymore..
mark : enjoy life, live de moment, till it ends..
simm : do not dwell in the past, don't dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment..

confession..

i cant sleep..
i hardly sleep..
i'm just another coward n condemned soul..
me wanted to call him badly, but i cant.. he need rest and unwind himself after hectic hours..
today, again.. i exasperated him, by provoking his forbearance..
there's alot to tell, but i seem to be tightlipped.. me bein sucha sentient and emotional soul, dismantling me within lyk a substantial thing which is immune to woe, pain, agony and feelings.. i wish i could let everything out, but i just cant.. i just cant..
this month alone, we fought alot.. as in de word-of-mouth.. i know, i am de one to be blame..
today, he told me to afresh my brain whether am i takin de right path.. it hits me hard..all this while, all i struggle for is to be by yourside.. i do know i am lost and confused, where my mind is wholly fuddled up...

• u used to ask why i cant sleep early
• u used to ask why i am saddened and depressed

but did u reli dig into my soul and espy..
this month is a strenuous month fer me to endure and sustain, my soul.. my dark past haunt me.. my soul, you are being tormented.. endless of consternation.. endless of wakeful nights.. by de moment u shut ur eyes, they came.. they came appallingly and frightfully.. its like a rack dat crucify u my soul.. no one ever knew why.. for unending 3 years, i've endured it.. de first mental maltreatment in mylife.. where they pull u apart.. it's lyk a doom, a catastrophe.. goin thru everything alone... dat is why, i cant shut my eyes..
and till now, my soul, we're still in solitariness..
dat is why, i am clouded by my fearfulness...

taste of the day..

yawnzz...
me kinda tired today... but i'm glad i've spend my day contentedly.
this is de second blog of the day..
well, lemme continue..
after fetching me, mark messaged and told us there's been a time change for yamcha session.. well, i was kinda stoned but its ok..i reli need a good self-control and loosen up a lil.. i'm always peevish and full of fretfulness..worst of all, i'm waspishly ill.. later on, we went to Great Eastern Mall to pick up his car.. while time was still early, i dragged him to walked around..those christmas ornaments caught my eye.. and santa came early this year, coz he gave me my Rudolph..
u know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if ur not the reason behind that happiness..
after monkeying around, we head on to williams.. a grubby mamak stall which serves savory food..and this was wat i've ordered.. Seafood cream pasta!!

sucha big portion and i ate damn alot.. thou it's kinda costly, but it's worth paying.. de food thea was sedap.. panda lurves it alot.. lydia came late with her bf.. we were darn sick, havin smutty conversations bout poppin and harvestin cherry.. how sick was dat.. lydia burned de photos we took at pd in a cd and gave to us..
thanks to ya lydia, for bein sucha pro photographer..

Mylife..
a lil note for lovers

after all the heartbreaks, and the fights, and the tears, and the anger.. you're still there, holding my hand and guiding me thru. me thought i needed to be everything to someone but it turned out what i really need is someone to be everything to me. that is why i found u. its amazing how someone can break your heart but yet u still love them with every broken piece. i wont call it fool, but i will entitle it as 'pure love' i have for u. i know that ur not perfect n nor can i claim to be either, but please believe me when i say that i want to b by ur side to hold your hand, to treasure u in mylife, to be next to u, to be held close to your heart now
and for de rest of my living years. being there to comfort u, dry ur tears n calm ur most frightening fears. fighting ur battles and show no shame to scream my love for
you out loud wherever u lead me to, i'll b following ur footprints.. coz u're mylife stin..

randomNESS...

OMG.. i reli look lyk a panda now.. my eyes swelled.. but i look kinda cute* thou..ahemzz..
something random happened just now..nanny came by to visit me..as usual, she bought my fav fruit.. and a choco birthday cake..she aged alot..
i still remember when i was lil, i'm de vexatious one.. yes i'm pesky, but god well-equipped me with craftiness.. mom is de one to blame den, for gettin me those vivid waxy sticks... and ended up, de walls became my drawing block.. and me creating my animal kingdom with this messy thingy AKA crayons!
and yesterday, i went to CB again with Marky... we sat thea for hours and we were blabbing and chatting bout everything.. humans are nothing but complexity and being a delicate soul.. some people do have ethics, but some are nefarious..i start to feel dat life does not accomodate you, it shatters u.. how is one to live a moral n compassionate existence when someone else is fully aware of the blood...de horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself?
well, i'm one of those people who live sensibly n sanely hour after hour, day after day.. the same stream of life run thru my veins day and night.. but i know someday, things will outshine and overshadow... sigh, enuff of philosophy today.. we can always reflect life to a pendulum swing..wat goes around,comes around and always rocky..and yup, cloudiness ahead of us n uncertainties rise...

Vanished..

de fire dat keeps me warm went off..
my dear soul, i fail u again..
i lost de life within u..
i lost mylife..
i am weak.. and i fear.. i am scared to be alone..
coz i know i need someone because he is priceless to me..
but i traded all my fear away..
just to complete dat person..to be wat he used to be..
to find his path..to be wat he's made of...
i am soulless.. i am lifeless.. once again..
i am nothing but nothing..
being with him, believe or not my soul..
he completes me..
i have lost my shelter.. my shield.. i lost everything..
but i am willin to trade it off...
coz ur more than wat i am..

Awaken..

it's early dawn now..
i'm still wide awake..
again, i've abandoned my bloggie..
so much to write, yet my brain is jammed.. me promise will update later..as in de next time i blog..
i am so obsessed with trading yesterday, and now it's known as the age of information..i am still waiting for de official release of their album..
at times, i do wonder.. predicaments hit me hard..all the time.. positioning me in all sorta awkward n discomforting situation..
de soul within me, may i ask a question? wat am i made of? everything seems to be colliding within.. ur sucha delicate soul..
i might lies in scruples today, my soul..
i will not cheat myself or look de other way, sneak or be distracted by superficial perceptions disguised as appeal..entitlement? rescue, comfort or security... in this stage, i'm not a victim... any advantage, temptation, or betrayal wud be an inside job or come from a moment of opportunity in choosin to leave myself unprotected or exposed.. my soul, pls empower me with an expectation and foresee..
i just wish, i cud do more with my smallish hands..leaving aside de bygones..loosen up de weight in my heart..to draw a fine line between certain uncertainties.. at times, i just wish dat i can do more.. but when reality kicks in, i am not capable enuff.. people wanted me to understand and give in..but my limitation is kickin in.. i do wonder, how long can my lil feet support de massiveness of me..i wish someone wud just lift me up..n bear it away..
i'm really thankful to those who created music..my nostrum..restoring me.. music is always my refugee.. it's my soul booster..
-good night-
yawnz